What is love?

I am very aware of some ways broken love looks and feels. But what does it actually LOOK like?!

My counselor brought to my attention yesterday that I was once looking for proof of God's love and its very existence. I looked upon it with an attitude of "prove it!" and a strong doubt of it's evidence around me. Now, a couple months later, I find myself asking with sincerity what it actually looks like--God's love.

I am working my way through Redeeming Love a second time and I am looking for the metaphor, the relation to the love of God for His people, and the evidence of His love around me with an open heart.

Last night I was approached by the sweetest elderly woman in church who greets me at the door every Sunday morning with a hug. She always has a smile on her powder-soft face that is enveloped in carefully elevated black hair that sways upon her head as she moves. Her voice is tender, warm, and gentle with a Hispanic-sounding accent as she speaks. Her eyes are soft and welcoming, as though they are open vastly to give and receive tender love to me as I am greeted with a hug.

The sincerity of her love and care towards me is authentic, despite her limited knowledge of me and my life. I have only known her for just over 1 year, yet she greets me with such familiarity that I cannot doubt her authenticity. Her hugs are enveloping. I feel as though I could fall into her, leaving tension and worry behind. Is this what the love of Jesus feels like? Looks like? Sounds like?

When our welcoming embrace ends, a part of me is startled by sadness. A sense of longing comes over me. I want to stay, to be held, to remain in a space of safety where I am unconditionally loved and reassured of safety when the floodgates open and my face waters over. We do not. She looks into my eyes and says something kind such as "I love you. I care so much for you and I pray for you. Jesus loves you. You are a wonderful mother. God bless you." I know she means it and I try to embrace it. I truly do. I'm so thankful for her and I look forward to her faithfulness as the first face I see upon arriving at church. On my worst of mornings, she knows without my words. She hugs me, reassures me of God's love and her prayers, and I can walk away confident that is what "unconditional" looks like. She is one of the few people whose eyes validate her authentic words. There is no hollowness to her; only rich depth.

This same wonderful, Jesus-loving, God-sharing woman approached me last night at church. She hugged me, told me she loved me, and talked with me about "Calvary love". I don't recall what was said right before that phrase, but it stuck with me: "Calvary love". What does it mean? How does this speak of Jesus' love that I am searching for?

I know what love is not...

• Love is not yelling at me that I need to "just do what you're told".
• Love is not given only when I perform life and marriage tasks.
• Love is not only keeping a clean home, but a pure heart.
• Love is not demanding that another need to meet my emotional, physical, social, and mental needs. It is not my responsibility to boost others ego.
• Love is not hitting someone when they talk back.
• Love is not forcing someone to do things or say things they don't feel right about or that makes them feel unsafe.
• Love is not one-sided.
• Love is not yelling in someone's ear at midnight because you cannot sleep and see the dishes weren't done.
• Love is not taking someone's car keys or hard-earned money to spend it on booze.
• Love is not abandoning financial and personal responsibility to your family because you cannot be bothered with altering your own life plans.
• Love is not forcing others to act or speak a certain way that makes you feel better about yourself.
• Love is not spending other's hard earned money or spending your own frivolously so that others have to spend theirs on you.
• Love is not expecting children to act like robots, waiting for you to say 'jump'.
• Love is not "knocking some sense" into a person.
• Love is not telling a person to "cut it out" or to "quit your crying or I'll give you something to really cry about".
• Love is not withholding oneself until the other person does what you want them to.
• Love is not acting anything other than perfect, according to each person's definition that you meet and know.
• Love is not owing anyone for the things they do for us.

That is NOT love, so what IS love?

• Love is the patient waiting for someone to come to you or for you to go to them.
• Love is openly welcoming the person in without agenda or expectation beyond working for a resolution.
• Love is kindly acting in the best interest of the other person and having it reciprocated back.
• Love is celebrating in the victories of another, knowing they authentically care to celebrate in your victories too. There's no need to make something you have done seem better or bigger or worse because you realize that you both have successes and failures that you walk through together and grow.
• Love is wanting another to pursue what makes them come alive and supporting them to reach their potential (not what YOU THINK is their potential or what YOU THINK they should be doing).
• Love is kindly helping someone get work done together.
• Love is reaching out to a neighbor or friend in need of support or community.
• Love is responding kindly to children, remembering that you were once a child learning to grow up.
• Love is listening openly to the concerns and needs of others.
• Love is doing what you can to meet those needs.
• Love is self-sacrificial without self-death.
• Love is expressing positive statements to others without ulterior motives.
• Love is wanting the best for others.
• Love understands that some people are better at things/words/etc. than you and IT'S OK! We are all at different places, a work-in-progress, and on a journey.
• Love is forgiving and willing to work through things or move on, leaving offenses behind to live in freedom.
• Love is offering to watch someone's children for a couple hours when you see they are about to lose themselves.
• Love is accepting imperfection of yourself and others, accepting where you are and where they are in the here and now, knowing Jesus is working in each of our lives.
• Love is doing/saying things for others without expecting it to be reciprocated or returned.

Love is an open door to welcome, greet, share, but not to be abused, mistreated, and self-sacrificed to death. The line is fine, but most people know where it is.

When it comes to the love of Jesus, I am learning that His love is simple. He just gives it--no agenda or price tag. The trade-off? He wants me to give my love back. That's it. This feels tough to grasp when I have lived in conditional love for so long.

• I was loved when I did my chores right away, or without being asked, and without complaint. I was 
• I was loved when I made and served food, with a smile, on-time.
• I was loved when I performed wifely duties, as a newly-wed, after 7-8yrs of marriage.
• I was loved when I agreed with the head of the household--no arguments or differing of opinions.
• I was loved when I said they were right.
• I was loved when I dressed pretty and looked nice.
• I was loved when my children always responded with kindness, respect, love, self-control, diligence, gentleness, humility, patience, safety, caution on-demand, risk-taking on demand, tenderness, thoughtfulness, initiative, thinking of others first, helpfulness, knowledge, sharing, giving to others first, etc.
• I was loved when I smiled all the time and never had tears unless they were for others.
• I was loved when I responded the way other thought I should and expected me to (even when it was counter to who I really was or trying to be).
• I am loved when I parent the way another person thinks I should be parenting.
• I was loved when I spoke sweetly.
• I was loved when I agreed.
• I was loved when I gave everything of myself and my things to others to use however they wish and to do whatever they want with my things given.
• I was loved when I was a straight-A student.
• I was loved when I met the needs of others before myself and at my own expense.

Do you see this list and shake your head at the unrealistic expectation others put on me and I on myself? Can you relate? Have you things to add to the list?

It amazes me how much others expect us to live according to their expectation when they do not have our best interest in mind, but only want us to adjust ourselves to fit them so they do not need to change. It is even more difficult when dealing with someone who thinks they are NOT the problem or have a responsibility in the situation. It's frustrating to love them because they are never satisfied, content, grateful for your love, or understanding of their hindrance of it.

I know what love is not. So what is love? Jesus is love, but what does it actually look like and what does it feel like? What does it look like towards me and how would I reflect it to others?

1 John 4:18 says "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love" (NIV).

When I was a child and then early in my parenting years, I was told that one day I would know what it was like for my parents when I had kids and that I would thank them one day. I was spoken to as though having my own children would make me realize I was terrible to my own parents and ask their forgiveness, telling them how right they were.

Parenting my own children has made me realize how hard parenting was for my own parents and how hard it is for other parents, but not in the way many people expected. I appreciate parental struggles, but having my own children has shown me how hard I make it on God to parent me.

As I try to parent and love my own children, I realize that I cannot love them as they need without letting God love me. I cannot love my children the way I want to until I let God love me the way He wants to. I cannot show His love to my children until I first let him show me His own. I cannot love my children without understanding the love of Jesus for me--Calvary love.

What is Calvary love that this woman from church speaks of?

Kim Lawton, reporting for PBS Religion & Ethics Newsweekly, reports " 'According to the New Testament, Jesus was crucified at a spot outside Jerusalem called Golgotha, which in Aramaic means “place of the skull.' The Latin word for skull is calvaria, and in English many Christians refer to the site of the crucifixion as Calvary" (Lawton, 2012).

The word calvary is familiar to me. As a child, I would sing along to the song At Calvary:

Mercy there was great

And grace was free

Pardon there was multiplied to me

There my Burdened soul found liberty

At Calvary

Calvary's Love church in Johnson City, NY says, "...when you experience the love of Christ then your whole life is changed and it’s through that love that you begin to discover who you are and what you were created for. It’s also through that love that you are able to live in real, authentic relationship with others" (www.calvaryslove.org).

When the sweet woman from church said "Calvary Love" to me. I knew she meant the love that Calvary represented through the blood and sacrifice of Jesus on the cross.

John 3:16 says, "for God so loved the world that He gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him, will not perish, but have everlasting life."

I feel broken some days and unable of real love, but then I am determined with most things in my life and won't give up, so I search for what real love is.

This morning I read Jeremiah 31:3-4 that says, "The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. I will build you up again, and you, Virgin Israel, will be rebuilt. Again you will take up your timbrels and go out to dance with the joyful."

Jeremiah 31 talks about returning to God and the restoration they will receive after doing so. God will pour out his blessings upon them and they will thrive. Despite their waywardness, brokenness, sinfulness, impurities, and past pains, God WANTS them. He wants them?! Yes, He does. As I write this, I feel as though I am in shock myself. I have held onto pieces of myself too burdensome for God (so I thought). I have not been fully convinced that I am worth loving and able to be made into anything new after being so distorted. Yet, I read in Jeremiah and other places in the Bible that God takes the broken and uses them, redeems them, and restores them:

• Tamar -- slept with her father-in-law (Genesis 38:1-30) and was chosen by God to be in the lineage of Jesus. "Tamar is an example of courageously embracing her responsibilities, one that became a cause for blessing (Ruth 4:12) and ensured the familial line of Christ himself (Matt. 1:3)" (Huber, 2018).
• Sarah-- Doubted God.
• Rahab – Was a prostitute and the mother of Boaz, in the lineage of Jesus (Joshua 2:1, 3; 6:17-25; Matthew 1:5; Hebrews 11:31; James 2:25). 
• Bathsheba -- King David's second marriage and the mother of King Solomon.
• Samaritan Woman – Divorced.
• Naomi – Was a widow in a foreign country.
• Martha – Worried about everything.

If God can use these sinful, broken women, despite their life story, can't He restore and redeem mine?! Or am I broken forever because of a broken marriage and an abusive situation?
Once a woman, innocently enough, made me feel like my only hope for life after divorce is to 
1. see the return of a repentant husband and our marriage restored, or 
2. to live my life single as I serve God in my singleness.

These were harsh words to hear at the time and felt like the door being closed on the hope of redemption. 

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”—Romans 8:28

My story and your story of broken, conditional love does not have to be our identity and ending. It does not have to steal our hope and joy. In my search for what love truly is, God is showing me. As I write this, I am not speaking as someone confident and without struggle. I am writing to get it out and make sense of my own thoughts, searches, and longings. I want to know what God's love really is because I had a skewed view of it for a very long time. I associated and connected God's love with people who had hurt me. I understood God's love to be something that someone else was and not who He is. I have not "arrived" at this understanding, but I am walking on the road to get there. 

Will you join me? Will you walk with me in openness of what could lay ahead and to find what truly is?





References

• Huber, C. (2018). The ‘Bad Girls’ of the Bible Deserve a Fresh Look. Retrieved from https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2018/march-web-only/vindicating-vixens-sandra-glahn.html

• Lawton, K. (2012). Where was Jesus buried?. In Religion & Ethics Newsweekly. Retrieved from https://www.pbs.org/wnet/religionandethics/2012/03/30/march-30-2012-where-was-jesus-buried/10645/

• Newell, W.R. (1895). At Calvary. Retrieved from https://library.timelesstruths.org/music/At_Calvary/

• 
  

Blank mind, running thoughts

Blank.
Blank is my mind.
Blank is my mind when all I want to do is write, think, talk.
My mind is blank.
Overwhelmed to the point of blank.
I am distracted easily when I cannot put into words my thoughts fast enough. They get jumbled.
My words don't run smoothly when I free write. My jumbled up mess of ideas cannot seem to make it onto paper without the need for editing. I don't, but I am keenly aware of every typo and sentence that doesn't flow with grace in thought.

I finished listening to the audio book of Redeeming Love by Francis Chan. I felt as though I could identify with each of the main characters in different ways. I have been a part of each one at different times in my life. I am going to listen to it again. I just feel a pulling in to the story. A pulling in to listen to it again, to understand deeper, to be touched and moved. I cried over hitting my head, but I cannot cry over the breaking of spirit in God's children. What's wrong with me?! Perhaps this is where I can identify with Angel, the main character in Redeeming Love. She cannot cry.

I was once asked "what evidence of God's work would someone see in me if they were to really look inside?"

A blank, broken mess of puzzle pieces trying to put themselves back together, stronger than before and refusing to be destroyed.

Successfully failing as a mom

Today I let my youngest two sleep in while I got the older two children ready for the day. I jumped in the shower and threw my clothes on before getting the youngest two up. I didn't realize that I was running 5 minutes late. Once I got the younger two up and we headed for the door, I gasped to see that it was now 10 minutes later than we needed to leave! I felt myself get tight in the space just above and center of my eyebrows. "Oh no!," I thought to myself. "This is not the relaxed morning I was aiming for."

I quickly went to ask my older two if they can turn off the TV they were rewarded with and help me load up the van. In the midst of that, I threw clothes on my daughter and told her I packed a separate change of clothes for her to wear once arriving to our destination. Out the door we went, rushing to somehow make up 10 minutes of time.

In the end, we ran 5 minutes behind everywhere we went. It was so discouraging. I thought the morning had been going well but then it all fell apart. We have days that everyone gets ready and into the car 20 or 30 minutes early, arriving at our destination to wait in the car for 20 minutes. If we wait at home, we end up being late.

To add to the morning, I realized half way to our first destination that I forgot the change of clothes for my daughter. I told her I would see if I could pick them up between errands (if time allows).

So after getting a few things done, I realized that I wasn't going to be able to go home and pick up the clothes for my daughter. I felt badly and wondered what she thought of this. I wondered how upset she would be. I tried to tell myself that I am the mom and it's not my job to always go out of my way for her. I had a moment of mom-failure.

I began to ask "what if" questions pertaining to my daughter's response when I inform her that I didn't get the change of clothes and that we would not be going home for the rest of the day to get them. I wondered if I really could make the time to do it.

In the end, I didn't go home and I told her I was not able to pick up the change of clothes. And you know what? She didn't care! She didn't miss a happy beat of playing with her sister or fuss about her current clothing choice from the morning. She said "ok" and went on playing. Um...WHAT?!

All my worry, all my concern (which is usually correct in relation to the responses from my children) were gone in a sparkle of "ok".

I wish I could say the same for my son. I was late leaving one destination with the girls (took too long to clean up toys) that I was 10 minutes late to pick up my son. He was NOT happy. He came stumbling to the car with a stern look, saying he felt like I was never going to arrive. I felt sad, but also reassured him that he was in good hands, safe, and that I always come. I reminded him that he knew I was to be late and he seemed to ease up his stern demeanor. It also helped that there was a baggie of snacks sitting next to him from a sweet Grandma we know. My son and food go well together these days.

I realized something when I dropped my son off at his destination: I am much like him when it comes to trying new things. I'd rather watch others have fun than take the chance that I might have fun to because what if...

What if...I get wet and don't' dry quickly?
What if...I fall and others laugh at me?
What if...I don't get the hang of it right away or as quick as others?
What if...I make a mistake?
What if...

Those "what if" questions consume me. They are never-ending. They keep me from moving, risking, and engaging in something that could be really great. I also realize that I deceive myself into thinking I parent the opposite of this, but I do not. My son showed that to me this morning. Parenting is tough!

I want to be more aware of these moment. I want to rise above myself. I guess I have to first go get wet...

Seeking the will of the Lord part 2

Incredible. Absolutely incredible! I never believed someone fully when they told me that I will just know when I was where God needed me to be and doing what God needed me to be doing. And I've wrestled with many questions and prayers about what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I've wondered what everything in my life is supposed to be leading me to... something God has been preparing me for all along. I pray about what I can do for Him while providing for my family.

When I finally see what others meant when they say that I would "just know", I get it now!

This is the story of my God-moment:

This morning I had support court and afterwards I went to Walmart.

If anyone has gone into Walmart you know that going into Walmart is like getting sucked into a Time Warp that losses time while you're inside. My local Walmart is completely rearranging their store and many of my favorite items require an additional 10 minutes of searching in order to find it. There are canned foods in the baby department, crackers near the women's clothing department, the jewelry department seems to have moved to Kansas City, and the workers cannot seem to decide where to put the aisle signs because the lotion is more with the couch drops...um, what?!

My 15-minute trip into Walmart turned into 35 minutes. 

However, when I left Walmart, I was reminded that I wanted to drop off some of my Doula client cards to the local Care-Net Pregnancy Center. 

I have ice cream melting in the car and a cleaning job to get to but I really wanted to stop in. I didn't really know what I was going to do or say when I got there but I knew I just needed to go and reach out to as many people as I can about my Doula services--they can be so beneficial to every Mom in different ways.

While I was there, I happened to meet someone who is in charge of all the Care Net Pregnancy Center locations in the district. She is like the second in command of NY! Today she happened to be visiting after being away for 2 years. I know this was a God-appointed thing. 

Not only that, I walked in soon before they were going to be closing for the day. While I was on the phone with her, one of her clients called (who is currently in a very abusive domestic violence situation) and I was able to speak with her and give her some encouraging words. She's also 9 weeks pregnant with her fourth child. My heart goes out to her. 

My heart goes out to all mothers being abuse but especially to those who have been the victim of spiritual abuse, as I have been.

More incredible than talking to that Mom and hearing her story was the overwhelming sense of peace and purpose that was coming over me as I was talking to the women at the Center. My heart longs for them to know that they are worth more than they're told. My heart longs for them to know that, although the road ahead is hard, that they are not alone.

Working with moms at Care-Net is not without challenge. But, with Jesus, I can do it, right?

I love mom's and babies and birth. I have a lot of experience in this area that I can bring to a mom. I feel capable, but inadequate.

Rainbows within the storm

Tonight, on my drive out, I saw a rainbow in a dark gray storm cloud. But not far behind the edge of the storm was a blue sky and the Sun. It surprised me that the rainbow would be in the midst of the grey clouds rather than at the edge of the Sun and blue sky.

The first thought that came to my mind was that even in the midst of the storm, there are always rainbows to be found and the blue sky is not far behind.

How many times in my life do I feel like I am in a storm and see nothing else but the grey clouds in the downpour happening immediately over me? Yet, God sees that the storm will pass and coming behind it will be the blue sky and warm sun.

The Rainbows are meant to give us hope in the midst of the storm, until it has passed over. It is hard to focus on the sun coming when I'm getting down poured and soaked on with life's troubles and worries.

There's no way of knowing exactly how long the storm will last or when the sun will shine again but the Rainbows are meant to give us hope that it will come. A rainbow can only be seen when there is a presence of sunlight and water droplets. We may not be able to see the sun because it is hidden behind the storm clouds but it does not eliminate its presence.

So even in the midst of the storm, I am never truly alone and the Son is always with me.

Mercy

Tonight I was talking about the Resurrection of Jesus with my children and how His resurrection was a victory over death. I started to think about a song that might relate to the topic. Sometimes a song says it all. Immediately, the lyrics "triumphs over judgement" by Bethel, but the name of the song stumped me and I could not think of any other lines to the song that would clue me in. "triumphs over judgement" just kept playing over and over in my mind.

Then, the word "mercy". Mercy? Yes! "mercy triumphs over judgement."

That was the line, but what song?

I began to search for Amanda Cook and "triumphs over judgement" on Amazon Music app in my phone. Nothing! I just kept replaying those lyrics in my mind as I tried to think of what song it was and I could look it up. Listen. Breathe in God's triumph through His Son. But nothing!

Finally, I Googled it. Gotta love Google for it's super power of finding just about anything a person wonders about. Well, I found it: Bethel Music with Amanda Cook sings Mercy. Yes, that simple of a title, but I found it. I played it and it washed over me.

According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary online, 'mercy(n.)' means 'compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm'. 

That means that when I do wrong against someone else and they have the right and authority to do harm towards me, but choose instead to stop feeling angry towards me and seeking revenge against me, that I have received their mercy. The same is true in reverse from me to someone else.

Perhaps this song stuck to me because I found out last night that others were aware of my ex-husband's deep sinful behavior prior to us getting married and didn't feel it was their place to tell me (potentially saving me from years of heartache or at least from ignorance). Now, I am faced with a decision--forgive and extend mercy OR do harm to them (any myself) by keeping distance between us and refusing relationship with them. Mercy is hard! Mercy releases the giver of control over the offender. This can be difficult if someone feels they are responsible for making sure that the offender is punished and "gets what they deserve" for their actions.

However, we all have sinned and done wrong to someone and deserve a consequence for said actions. Yet, there is mercy. Mercy is what gives the offender the opportunity to make a difference choice next time. 

It is hard to give mercy. Very hard! It does not always stop the offender from repeating their actions so why do it? Why give mercy to someone who has wronged us? Don't they deserve lash back? 

Mercy.

Mercy triumphs over judgement.

When Jesus rose from the dead, the victory was more than over death. It was over judgement. It was FOR mercy and love that he did NOT remain in the grave and end His story that day he died. He came back to those he loved, to show us that victory over the spiritual death our sin causes and that victory over judgement is possible because of MERCY. Through mercy we are free and loved.

Is it easy for me to forgive those who knew of my ex-husband's problems prior to our marriage and never told me? NO WAY! But, holding onto the hurt of such news hurts me and me alone. If I hold onto my resentment, I will be putting so much effort into resentment instead of freedom through mercy.

Mercy.

Mercy triumphs over judgement.

This does not mean we make excuses for someone's actions and refuse to set healthy boundaries because we are trying to show mercy. I think that Jesus wants us to remember that it is ultimately about us using our energy for the task He has set before us, rather than be consumed to be sure that someone else received a consequence for their wrong-doing against us.

Make sense?

I don't know about you, but I want God's mercy for my wrong choices. If I am willing to accept God's mercy for myself, shouldn't I also extend mercy towards others when the situation is safe to do so? And maybe it is jumping to think that someone's actions were unintentional, rather than intentional.

Mercy.

As we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus and His victory over death, let us also remember that He triumphs over judgement (from and towards others or self). If He gives us his whole heart and gave his whole body for us to no longer be separated from God, then maybe, just maybe, it is possible for us to show mercy. 

Luke 6:36 says "be merciful, just as your Father is merciful."
Ephesians 2:10, "For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

Seeking the Will of the Lord

I started the following blog post in 2013 (see italicized), but felt it needed an update. It was never posted so this is the first time we are all reading. I am not sure what prompted the initial thought behind this blog, but I decided to update it with a bit of my current thoughts.

------------------------------------
Have you ever asked the question, "what am I supposed to do"? Changes are pretty good that you answer "yes".

The tough part is what to do when you have that question. It's tough to know where to look for the answer to your dilemma.

Well, the Bible says "Come unto me, all who are weary, and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28).
-----------------------------------

It is ironic that when I looked back into the blog that I see this was unposted so long ago. It is ironic because it speaks to the exact place I am--right now--6 years later. I am not even sure if ironic is the best word to describe the sense to come back to this blog and make a purpose for my journey. Perhaps it is timely. I guess only time will tell.

I said that this post speaks to where I am right now in life--making decisions.

About 5 weeks ago I left my job after some false accusations were brought against me. It was a long time coming and I regret that I did not leave MUCH sooner! I saw the red flags, but did my best to persist and try to meet all the demands placed on me. I didn't want to leave a job without another lined up for the sake of my children. I am the only consistent income for them.

I was aware that I could only go on for so long with sleepless nights, panic, anxiety rising, constant fear that my every move and breath will offend someone, being criticized daily by staff and managment without any recognition for positive things I did. It wore me out to feel unappreciated, unacknowledged for my attempts, and only criticized for my lack. The lack of support for my inexperience only compounded the stress I felt and took home to my children. I was irritable between the stress and demands of my job with the stress and demands of college online. Friend and family began to express concerns about my appearance, lack of sleep, and my work load.

But I didn't know how to stop. When, after some back and forth bargaining, I realized that the dragon (my workplace) was only preparing to burn me for good, I opted to resign from the job.

About 1 week later, feeling the after-effects of leaving an abusive workplace, I was interviewing for another daycare position. I was still feeling the anxiety from the first daycare job that the idea of going back into another classroom SCARED me!! Between waiting on my references, an official offer, and some responses from the interviewer, I tormented myself about whether or not to take the job. My fear screamed "NO!", but others who believed in me said "yes".

When the final offer was made and I agreed to sign on, I started filling out paperwork. I was mentally preparing for this change and trying to figure out HOW it would all happen and if I was really going to be available for my children like my heart knew they needed me to be.

Recently, some challenges with my children began to arise (likely a result of my inattentiveness for the last few months at my last toxic job) that concerned me enough to find ways to be with them more when they were off.

Can't I find a job, even part-time, that allows me to be home when they are? And do school with straight As? And pay for bills?

About 2 days after receiving the final offer for the new daycare position, I went to visit an Amish friend. We got into conversations about raising children and taking time to teach them God's Word and strong morals. This led to discussions of cleaning jobs and my plans to attend college on-campus in the fall (vs. online). The idea of being in charge of a cleaning business, and the flexibility that could bring, was so tempting to me and sounded wonderful that I jumped at it. I found out that afternoon that someone will be moving away and leaving behind several houses they clean that will be needing someone to step in. I was afraid to start a business and wondered if I had the ability. I thought this would make me face a fear and build my self-confidence. How perfect! Right?

I went home and wrote up an email to say no thank you to the daycare. I was feeling so proud of myself for MAKING A DECISION! Those who know me well know that I do not make decisions well! (More on that another day.)

As I wrote it out, I began to feel nervous. Was I making the right decision? Would I really have time for this? Is this best for me and my children? Is this where God wants me to go? It's not even certain yet!

I decided I wasn't ready to send that email and I knew I had 2 more days to decide before my paperwork was due to the office, and 5 days before they wanted me to start. I decided to save the draft.

I went to back out of the email and, UGH!, my hand hit send instead of "back"!

I started at my cell phone, feeling shock come over me. Panic was setting in. I thought, "STOP! NO! I wasn't ready for that! Undo! Undo!" But there was no stopping what had been done. I swallowed big and could not believe I had done that. I didn't know what to do as I stared at my phone. I felt 2 inches tall and more unsure than I was before about making decisions. I didn't feel peace. I felt panic for missing out on a great job. I embarrassingly sent a copy of the email to the HR director. I never heard anything back.

Since that day, I have plagued myself with whether or not I made the right decision. I made a decision, but I do not have peace that I made the best one. I have had arrows pointing me back to that job and opportunity to go back and ask for it. I have had arrows pointing me to be patient and wait for the cleaning job to come in May. I am confused by both.

I have always been told that I will feel gut-peace if its where God wants me, even when its tough. I don't feel that, but I don't know if I can go back. I don't know if going back to ask for the daycare job is better because its safe (I know childcare) or because it's where God wants me. I just don't know and it scares me!

I have been reading endless articles on redefining a career, starting a new career, finding peace in what you're good at, growing job skills, gaining positive motivation for work you love, ideal jobs for your personality, best jobs for introverts, etc., etc...

So, here I am, seeking the will of the Lord, 6 years after I started this original post.

What now?
What today?
What do I do with all these emotions?
What about the passions and desires the Lord has given me?
What goal am I working towards?
What purpose does all this have or am I just self-sabotaging?

How do I stop running circles in my mind over every decision as thought it will be completely life-changing? Even my divorce was not this painful to decide and process (more on that in a later post).

I will share with you what steps I have taken and where I am on my journey in my next post. I hope you will come back to read. I'm always looking to hear feedback from my readers, so please share your thoughts, ask your questions, and let's grow together!