It's a good thing I did that!

I want to tell you about what God is doing in me and I hope that someone who reads this finds hope and encouragement in my sharing.

God is doing a good thing.

For a long time now I have hoped in the storm, searched in the fog, prayed in the deep desperation. I held on like a mustard seed of faith as I watched the storms waves roll around me in my life. Struggles with anxiety, depression, hopelessness, disappointment, and fear.

I would pray in desperation for change. I would pray in desperation for courage and for change; to be someone different than I am.

I often find myself talking about my abuse experiences from the place of victim, hopeless, weak, and vulnerable. This is not what I believe God wants for me or what I wish for myself, but it is the mentality I find myself falling into. 

Why?

One reason I believe this occurs is because for most of my life I have had to explain and over-justify my words, actions, beliefs, and choices. From simple conversation about grocery shopping to in-depth discussions about my unhealthy marriage. I have had to explain and convince others of my perspective and experience in an effort to solicit support or understanding. I have been questioned and criticized for so many decisions and choices in my life that explaining myself away is second-nature. Little did I know how unhealthy this way of thinking is for my life.

So I took time away...

I went away for my birthday with hope and expectation of an "encounter" with God. I went up the mountain; a get-a-way. I prayed "God, you must have better things planned for me than to stay stuck in survival mode. Please open my heart and eyes to help and receive our provision."

Well, the Lord answered that prayer, but not as I had expected.

I went where the colors of fall were in full bloom and the sounds of nature muffled out the sounds of our culture. 

I went seeking and expecting something drastic from the Lord. I went expecting God to knock me deep. But what I found was something different.

I was encouraged to ponder ways God had moved in my life over the recent and beyond years. When there was free time between retreat sessions, I came up with the following list:

• God brought helpers to pack us and leave from Oklahoma, as well as loving friends along the way to house and feed us.
• Growing friendships in unexpected places--church, a coffee shop, and my work
• God gave me complete protection away from my ex so that I could focus on healing for myself and my children without fear of abuse (I had an order of protection that ended up being written into my final divorce paperwork).
• I was able to be home for the first 10yrs of raising children.
• I was home when schools closed and there to support my children in the transition to online learning.
• My children do not need to ride the bus this year because my work schedule can accommodate driving them and I have my aunt to pick them up afterschool. {This means not riding the bus to be bullied, hearing inappropriate speech, and less spreading of germs in our household.}
• Our neighbor gives us free organic eggs and allows us to have drinking water from her well.
• My aunt babysits my children and has experience with PTSD so she understands how to handle my children when things flare up.
• My church helped me replace my minivan after someone hit and totaled it last November
• I have access to worship music I listen to while cleaning homes.
• My kids sleep well at night so I can clean and worship without fear of waking them.
• I have SOLE CUSTODY of my children and their dad has not tried to see them in 2yrs. AMEN!!
• My cleaning business has increased and has new clients so much that I'm praying for a 3rd cleaner to subcontract.
• My clients are flexible and understanding!!
• We have our own living space now and are finally able to sort and purge! (this is also a current prayer for us to release attachment to "stuff")

I could go on, but as you can see, a few minutes of looking at my life in the last few years produced a long list. Imagine if I had spent more than 3 minutes on this?! If we look, we will see! If we seek, we WILL find [Matthew 7:7]. 

If you spend 3 minutes thinking about what God has done for you in the last year, what do you come up with? What things did you not realize until now was God moving in your life?

I was in awe of my list after only a few minutes thinking about God's goodness in my life. I had to pause when I realized the little and big ways God has showed His love to me in the last few years.

In my journal I wrote this prayer:

Dear Jesus, I replay and replay and replay events over and over in my min and to others. I am tired of it. I want to be good at something, to succeed, to use my story to help others to leave or make different choices. 

The whole weekend away was a ladies retreat titled "Faith not Fear". Fear has been my struggle for so, so long. 

• fear of disappointing my parents (and getting into trouble; or hearing the dreaded words "I told you")
• fear of bad grades
• fear of sin and separation from God
• fear of being off the path God wants me to be on
• fear of what others thought of me
• fear of not being accepted
• fear of being alone
• fear of failing at __________
• fear of further abuse
• fear of not having food
• fear of not providing basic needs for my children
• fear of raising terrible-hearted children
• fear of being alone
• fear of getting behind on bills
• fear of disappointing Jesus, family, children, friends, etc.

Fear!

Well, this whole weekend was on fear. Ugh! 

I walked into it with a different expectation than I got out of it.

I took myself on a hike in solitude, through the woods that were covered in leaves of every shade for autumn. It was breath-taking! I realized some big things on that hike: I wait on a feeling; God wants a choice.

Let me say it again: I wait on a feeling; God wants a choice.

Perhaps it's human nature to seek God and ride the "high" of His presence... until life hits us off our board like an ice cold wave pounding against the pier. But I realized that God doesn't just move in the moment. He wants a choice from me. He wanted me to choose to trust Him with my fears and circumstances. He is asking me to look, see, believe, and walk in trust of His provision for all my needs--emotional, mental, spiritual, physical,...

He is bigger and waiting for a CHOICE to believe.

I also had an answer to a prayer I've prayed for nearly 4yrs: that the gap between knowledge and understanding of Him would be closed, so that my brain could heal. 

Abuse can have long-term affects. 

*CAN*

Read that again!

On my hike, God answered that prayer for me. He made me aware of all He has before me and that I *can* grasp it if I choose, rather than wait to feel. Experiencing God's presence is not always a big emotional experience, but it is about what we choose to see, believe, and pursue in the midst of troubles. As humans, we wait on a feeling before moving; however, God waits on us to make a choice to step into the unknown and believe that He will light our next step. It doesn't always make sense, must that is faith.

Over the weekend, the Lord used different women as vessels to speak to me. Here is what I learned:

• God will NOT let me miss the mark He has for me; I will get there.
• He is never late.
• He is madly in love with me and I matter to Him.
• I don't need all the answers for today; He already has them.
• Rising higher out of sorrow sometimes comes through pain.
• Reading and meditating on God's Word brings freedom [John 8:36].
• Fear is not from God [2 Timothy 1:7].
• I must cast out all fear [1 John 4:8].
• God will redeem my failures!
• Anxiety focuses on an outcome we don't know, but God is sovereign and knows what's best.

God is ready to do a new thing; chains must go! Sounds so empowering...harder to do that it sounds when I looked deep within myself.

After writing out a few of my fears, as the speaker instructed, I had to rip up the paper and throw it into the trash. As I did, I wrestled with the idea of "laying it at the feet of Jesus" and what it really looks like to do that...without "picking back up the pieces". 

I stood there, ripping my paper into smaller and smaller pieces, slowly dropping them into the trash. Suddenly, I said out loud "this is really hard...it's been my identity for so long".

"...it's been my identity..."

(Reread that phrase)

Can you relate? Have your fears become your identity? Have they been the dictator of your life decisions? They were mine. They have been mine for a very long time. So long that I cannot remember life before fear.

I have discussed fear with counselors and told them my fears, but they only downplayed them or tried to make another reason for my fear than what I was telling them. They were wrong. Misplaced focus misplaces healing. I had to be real with myself about my fears in order for healing to take place. No excuses. Pointing out the fear and naming it, on paper, before ripping it up and throwing it away.

Fear has been my identity.

The Bible tells stories of people who felt afraid, but in the end were brought to repentance and victory through God:

• Abraham [Genesis 20:1-18]
• Adam & Eve [Genesis 3:8-10]
• Moses [Exodus 3:6b & 3:11]
• Saul [1 Samuel 15:24; 18:12, 15, & 29; 28:5, 28:14-21]
• King David [Psalm 56:3-4; 1 Samuel 21-24, and other times in his life when he was fearful of consequences for his sins and on the run from his own sons!]
• Elijah, the Prophet of God [1 Kings 19]
• Gideon [Judges 6:15, 6:27]
• Esther [Esther 4:10 & 16; 5:1; Esther 7]
• Peter [Luke 22:54-62; John 18:10-11; John 20]
• Disciples of Jesus [Mark 4:40-41; Luke 24:36-37; John 20:19 & 26]

Fear is not something that just I face. Even some of the most popular Bible characters and stories dealt with fear, but God still used them. God did not let them miss their mark. God was there to walk with them through their fear. They were not alone--ever. Even when David couldn't feel God close to him [Psalm 13], he praised God and chose to trust in His faithfulness [Psalm 71].

I realized that I had to choose to release my fears by first admitting they were fears and then choose to throw them away. They very act of ripping up the paper and letting the pieces fall into the trash was a turning point for me. Yes, I have scars from my life, but God created me for more than living in fear.

Isaiah 54:10 says "Though the mountains depart and the hills be shaken, my love will not depart from you, nor will my covenant of peace be shaken, says the Lord who has compassion on you."

Also read 1 Peter 1:3 & Isaiah 54:4.

God showed me that when I release my fear to Him, I have room for Him to plant good things--the good things I have wanted all along, but never had room for. Good things you can have too!

When those pieces of fears fell into the trash and I admitted the identity they held over me, Jesus was able to break those from my heart and mind. I burst into tears as women gathered around me in prayer and speaking words over me that my identity is NOT in fear, but in Jesus.

I walked away feeling free. Light. Open. 

Fear no longer held its grip on me.

So I will choose to worship in times of trouble and remember that I will NOT miss the mark God has for me. I am where He wants me right now and always will be as long as I seek Him first and obey His voice. 

I encourage you to keep seeking the Lord. If you need healing, keep asking God and keep seeking Him in worship. He loves you deeply and has good things for you if you keep Him first. 

Praise Him in the storm. 

Receive His blessings for you. 

Believe in a Victory over your fears.

Trust in His will for you; you will not miss the mark when you seek Him first.

I'm praying for you, dear sister. You're Gonna be OK!