Successfully failing as a mom

Today I let my youngest two sleep in while I got the older two children ready for the day. I jumped in the shower and threw my clothes on before getting the youngest two up. I didn't realize that I was running 5 minutes late. Once I got the younger two up and we headed for the door, I gasped to see that it was now 10 minutes later than we needed to leave! I felt myself get tight in the space just above and center of my eyebrows. "Oh no!," I thought to myself. "This is not the relaxed morning I was aiming for."

I quickly went to ask my older two if they can turn off the TV they were rewarded with and help me load up the van. In the midst of that, I threw clothes on my daughter and told her I packed a separate change of clothes for her to wear once arriving to our destination. Out the door we went, rushing to somehow make up 10 minutes of time.

In the end, we ran 5 minutes behind everywhere we went. It was so discouraging. I thought the morning had been going well but then it all fell apart. We have days that everyone gets ready and into the car 20 or 30 minutes early, arriving at our destination to wait in the car for 20 minutes. If we wait at home, we end up being late.

To add to the morning, I realized half way to our first destination that I forgot the change of clothes for my daughter. I told her I would see if I could pick them up between errands (if time allows).

So after getting a few things done, I realized that I wasn't going to be able to go home and pick up the clothes for my daughter. I felt badly and wondered what she thought of this. I wondered how upset she would be. I tried to tell myself that I am the mom and it's not my job to always go out of my way for her. I had a moment of mom-failure.

I began to ask "what if" questions pertaining to my daughter's response when I inform her that I didn't get the change of clothes and that we would not be going home for the rest of the day to get them. I wondered if I really could make the time to do it.

In the end, I didn't go home and I told her I was not able to pick up the change of clothes. And you know what? She didn't care! She didn't miss a happy beat of playing with her sister or fuss about her current clothing choice from the morning. She said "ok" and went on playing. Um...WHAT?!

All my worry, all my concern (which is usually correct in relation to the responses from my children) were gone in a sparkle of "ok".

I wish I could say the same for my son. I was late leaving one destination with the girls (took too long to clean up toys) that I was 10 minutes late to pick up my son. He was NOT happy. He came stumbling to the car with a stern look, saying he felt like I was never going to arrive. I felt sad, but also reassured him that he was in good hands, safe, and that I always come. I reminded him that he knew I was to be late and he seemed to ease up his stern demeanor. It also helped that there was a baggie of snacks sitting next to him from a sweet Grandma we know. My son and food go well together these days.

I realized something when I dropped my son off at his destination: I am much like him when it comes to trying new things. I'd rather watch others have fun than take the chance that I might have fun to because what if...

What if...I get wet and don't' dry quickly?
What if...I fall and others laugh at me?
What if...I don't get the hang of it right away or as quick as others?
What if...I make a mistake?
What if...

Those "what if" questions consume me. They are never-ending. They keep me from moving, risking, and engaging in something that could be really great. I also realize that I deceive myself into thinking I parent the opposite of this, but I do not. My son showed that to me this morning. Parenting is tough!

I want to be more aware of these moment. I want to rise above myself. I guess I have to first go get wet...