Seeking the Will of the Lord

I started the following blog post in 2013 (see italicized), but felt it needed an update. It was never posted so this is the first time we are all reading. I am not sure what prompted the initial thought behind this blog, but I decided to update it with a bit of my current thoughts.

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Have you ever asked the question, "what am I supposed to do"? Changes are pretty good that you answer "yes".

The tough part is what to do when you have that question. It's tough to know where to look for the answer to your dilemma.

Well, the Bible says "Come unto me, all who are weary, and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28).
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It is ironic that when I looked back into the blog that I see this was unposted so long ago. It is ironic because it speaks to the exact place I am--right now--6 years later. I am not even sure if ironic is the best word to describe the sense to come back to this blog and make a purpose for my journey. Perhaps it is timely. I guess only time will tell.

I said that this post speaks to where I am right now in life--making decisions.

About 5 weeks ago I left my job after some false accusations were brought against me. It was a long time coming and I regret that I did not leave MUCH sooner! I saw the red flags, but did my best to persist and try to meet all the demands placed on me. I didn't want to leave a job without another lined up for the sake of my children. I am the only consistent income for them.

I was aware that I could only go on for so long with sleepless nights, panic, anxiety rising, constant fear that my every move and breath will offend someone, being criticized daily by staff and managment without any recognition for positive things I did. It wore me out to feel unappreciated, unacknowledged for my attempts, and only criticized for my lack. The lack of support for my inexperience only compounded the stress I felt and took home to my children. I was irritable between the stress and demands of my job with the stress and demands of college online. Friend and family began to express concerns about my appearance, lack of sleep, and my work load.

But I didn't know how to stop. When, after some back and forth bargaining, I realized that the dragon (my workplace) was only preparing to burn me for good, I opted to resign from the job.

About 1 week later, feeling the after-effects of leaving an abusive workplace, I was interviewing for another daycare position. I was still feeling the anxiety from the first daycare job that the idea of going back into another classroom SCARED me!! Between waiting on my references, an official offer, and some responses from the interviewer, I tormented myself about whether or not to take the job. My fear screamed "NO!", but others who believed in me said "yes".

When the final offer was made and I agreed to sign on, I started filling out paperwork. I was mentally preparing for this change and trying to figure out HOW it would all happen and if I was really going to be available for my children like my heart knew they needed me to be.

Recently, some challenges with my children began to arise (likely a result of my inattentiveness for the last few months at my last toxic job) that concerned me enough to find ways to be with them more when they were off.

Can't I find a job, even part-time, that allows me to be home when they are? And do school with straight As? And pay for bills?

About 2 days after receiving the final offer for the new daycare position, I went to visit an Amish friend. We got into conversations about raising children and taking time to teach them God's Word and strong morals. This led to discussions of cleaning jobs and my plans to attend college on-campus in the fall (vs. online). The idea of being in charge of a cleaning business, and the flexibility that could bring, was so tempting to me and sounded wonderful that I jumped at it. I found out that afternoon that someone will be moving away and leaving behind several houses they clean that will be needing someone to step in. I was afraid to start a business and wondered if I had the ability. I thought this would make me face a fear and build my self-confidence. How perfect! Right?

I went home and wrote up an email to say no thank you to the daycare. I was feeling so proud of myself for MAKING A DECISION! Those who know me well know that I do not make decisions well! (More on that another day.)

As I wrote it out, I began to feel nervous. Was I making the right decision? Would I really have time for this? Is this best for me and my children? Is this where God wants me to go? It's not even certain yet!

I decided I wasn't ready to send that email and I knew I had 2 more days to decide before my paperwork was due to the office, and 5 days before they wanted me to start. I decided to save the draft.

I went to back out of the email and, UGH!, my hand hit send instead of "back"!

I started at my cell phone, feeling shock come over me. Panic was setting in. I thought, "STOP! NO! I wasn't ready for that! Undo! Undo!" But there was no stopping what had been done. I swallowed big and could not believe I had done that. I didn't know what to do as I stared at my phone. I felt 2 inches tall and more unsure than I was before about making decisions. I didn't feel peace. I felt panic for missing out on a great job. I embarrassingly sent a copy of the email to the HR director. I never heard anything back.

Since that day, I have plagued myself with whether or not I made the right decision. I made a decision, but I do not have peace that I made the best one. I have had arrows pointing me back to that job and opportunity to go back and ask for it. I have had arrows pointing me to be patient and wait for the cleaning job to come in May. I am confused by both.

I have always been told that I will feel gut-peace if its where God wants me, even when its tough. I don't feel that, but I don't know if I can go back. I don't know if going back to ask for the daycare job is better because its safe (I know childcare) or because it's where God wants me. I just don't know and it scares me!

I have been reading endless articles on redefining a career, starting a new career, finding peace in what you're good at, growing job skills, gaining positive motivation for work you love, ideal jobs for your personality, best jobs for introverts, etc., etc...

So, here I am, seeking the will of the Lord, 6 years after I started this original post.

What now?
What today?
What do I do with all these emotions?
What about the passions and desires the Lord has given me?
What goal am I working towards?
What purpose does all this have or am I just self-sabotaging?

How do I stop running circles in my mind over every decision as thought it will be completely life-changing? Even my divorce was not this painful to decide and process (more on that in a later post).

I will share with you what steps I have taken and where I am on my journey in my next post. I hope you will come back to read. I'm always looking to hear feedback from my readers, so please share your thoughts, ask your questions, and let's grow together!