Rocks to Rubies

Saturday, November 28, 2020

Post-mental abuse effects no one told me

What is living in mental and emotional abuse really like? It's kind of like this:

He will always define the terms.
You will live by a set of double standards.
You will not be listened to.
He will never resolve a conflict.
He will rarely consider your feelings; and will only do so if it serves him some how.
He will never apologize.
What will matter most to him is how he appears to others.
There will be little to no mutuality, collaboration or cooperation.
Your expectations will be managed down to mere crumbs; to the point where you will be happy just because he isn’t giving you the silent treatment, yelling at you, or cheating on you.
You will never win.
Your value will be diminished to the point of nothingness in his eyes. In fact, mere strangers will hold more weight in his eyes than you will.
He will tend to make you his scapegoat.
He will dump his shame and rage on to you.
Simple conversations will become crazy-making endeavors.
You will find yourself walking on eggshells.
You will lose yourself because you will be trained to focus only on his feelings and reactions; never mind yours.
You will experience the silent treatment.
You will experience cognitive dissonance, confabulation, and gas lighting.
You will find yourself telling a grown adult how to have normal interactions with others.
Your relationship will revolve on a cycle: waiting – hoping – hurting – being angry – forgiving – forgetting – again.
He will blame you for all of the problems in the relationship.
You will blame yourself.
He will use your weaknesses against you.
You will experience many exits, followed by a reappearance of the abuser acting as if nothing unusual had ever happened.
He will act like Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde.
When you try to hold him accountable he will fly into a rage.
He will not answer questions directly.
He will project his bad behaviors onto you and you will project your good intentions onto him – neither is accurate.
No one else will see it. This will cause you to question your reality.
The entire experience will result in trauma for you because it is interpersonal violence.
You will begin to feel crazy; then, over time, you will begin to feel numb.
If you go to couples counseling it will not work, and will most
likely backfire on the victim

This is me 100%. I still struggle, foggy brain all the time, stressed out raising 4 kids alone now after nearly 10yrs of marriage, struggle to keep a job, or grow a business, can barely think past the next 5 minutes, unable to step outside myself in my present circumstances, unable to find motivation to step outside my circumstances and see and do better for myself, snap a lot at my kids, no time for a walk down the road or any kind of exercise, cannot trade off childcare with someone else to help give me some time to do something positive for myself because I'm too busy working and taking care of my kids, plus they are now doing school remotely and my once A+ students are struggling for B's, I have many pictures and no memory of the event(s) as I look at the pictures, I cannot listen to what my child is saying while also sending out a reminder to a client, I cannot make dinner and break up fights at home between kids while smiling and getting them something other than cereal to eat again.

No one tells you these things will be life and the struggle after abuse. No one tells you that your brain will relive negative experiences with your ex more than the positive memories from life. No one told me my brain would feel broken and disconnected, like a circuit short somewhere along the line.

No one told me that family wouldn't really be there, but only in emergencies, while other look on and assume you will be surrounded by your family because they live on the same block or in the same home. No one tells you that the road to recovery is longer for others and that it's ok to fall apart at the seems, but that putting on a show of strength is unnecessary. No one tells you that help with find its way to you eventually, here and there, in unexpected ways.

But here I am...still trying...still fake smiling...still working through the brain fog...still trying to be what I want myself to be for the sake of my kids and even though I fail MISERABLY every day. Here I am. I was able to leave and stand up to an abuser. I did. I will. I am.

Wednesday, October 21, 2020

It's a good thing I did that!

I want to tell you about what God is doing in me and I hope that someone who reads this finds hope and encouragement in my sharing.

God is doing a good thing.

For a long time now I have hoped in the storm, searched in the fog, prayed in the deep desperation. I held on like a mustard seed of faith as I watched the storms waves roll around me in my life. Struggles with anxiety, depression, hopelessness, disappointment, and fear.

I would pray in desperation for change. I would pray in desperation for courage and for change; to be someone different than I am.

I often find myself talking about my abuse experiences from the place of victim, hopeless, weak, and vulnerable. This is not what I believe God wants for me or what I wish for myself, but it is the mentality I find myself falling into.

Why?

One reason I believe this occurs is because for most of my life I have had to explain and over-justify my words, actions, beliefs, and choices. From simple conversation about grocery shopping to in-depth discussions about my unhealthy marriage. I have had to explain and convince others of my perspective and experience in an effort to solicit support or understanding. I have been questioned and criticized for so many decisions and choices in my life that explaining myself away is second-nature. Little did I know how unhealthy this way of thinking is for my life.

So I took time away...

I went away for my birthday with hope and expectation of an "encounter" with God. I went up the mountain; a get-a-way. I prayed "God, you must have better things planned for me than to stay stuck in survival mode. Please open my heart and eyes to help and receive our provision."

Well, the Lord answered that prayer, but not as I had expected.

I went where the colors of fall were in full bloom and the sounds of nature muffled out the sounds of our culture.

I went seeking and expecting something drastic from the Lord. I went expecting God to knock me deep. But what I found was something different.

I was encouraged to ponder ways God had moved in my life over the recent and beyond years. When there was free time between retreat sessions, I came up with the following list:

God brought helpers to pack us and leave from Oklahoma, as well as loving friends along the way to house and feed us.
Growing friendships in unexpected places--church, a coffee shop, and my work
God gave me complete protection away from my ex so that I could focus on healing for myself and my children without fear of abuse (I had an order of protection that ended up being written into my final divorce paperwork).
I was able to be home for the first 10yrs of raising children.
I was home when schools closed and there to support my children in the transition to online learning.
My children do not need to ride the bus this year because my work schedule can accommodate driving them and I have my aunt to pick them up afterschool. {This means not riding the bus to be bullied, hearing inappropriate speech, and less spreading of germs in our household.}
Our neighbor gives us free organic eggs and allows us to have drinking water from her well.
My aunt babysits my children and has experience with PTSD so she understands how to handle my children when things flare up.
My church helped me replace my minivan after someone hit and totaled it last November
I have access to worship music I listen to while cleaning homes.
My kids sleep well at night so I can clean and worship without fear of waking them.
I have SOLE CUSTODY of my children and their dad has not tried to see them in 2yrs. AMEN!!
My cleaning business has increased and has new clients so much that I'm praying for a 3rd cleaner to subcontract.
My clients are flexible and understanding!!
We have our own living space now and are finally able to sort and purge! (this is also a current prayer for us to release attachment to "stuff")

I could go on, but as you can see, a few minutes of looking at my life in the last few years produced a long list. Imagine if I had spent more than 3 minutes on this?! If we look, we will see! If we seek, we WILL find [Matthew 7:7].

If you spend 3 minutes thinking about what God has done for you in the last year, what do you come up with? What things did you not realize until now was God moving in your life?

I was in awe of my list after only a few minutes thinking about God's goodness in my life. I had to pause when I realized the little and big ways God has showed His love to me in the last few years.

In my journal I wrote this prayer:

Dear Jesus, I replay and replay and replay events over and over in my min and to others. I am tired of it. I want to be good at something, to succeed, to use my story to help others to leave or make different choices.

The whole weekend away was a ladies retreat titled "Faith not Fear". Fear has been my struggle for so, so long.

fear of disappointing my parents (and getting into trouble; or hearing the dreaded words "I told you")
fear of bad grades
fear of sin and separation from God
fear of being off the path God wants me to be on
fear of what others thought of me
fear of not being accepted
fear of being alone
fear of failing at __________
fear of further abuse
fear of not having food
fear of not providing basic needs for my children
fear of raising terrible-hearted children
fear of being alone
fear of getting behind on bills
fear of disappointing Jesus, family, children, friends, etc.

Fear!

Well, this whole weekend was on fear. Ugh!

I walked into it with a different expectation than I got out of it.

I took myself on a hike in solitude, through the woods that were covered in leaves of every shade for autumn. It was breath-taking! I realized some big things on that hike: I wait on a feeling; God wants a choice.

Let me say it again: I wait on a feeling; God wants a choice.

Perhaps it's human nature to seek God and ride the "high" of His presence... until life hits us off our board like an ice cold wave pounding against the pier. But I realized that God doesn't just move in the moment. He wants a choice from me. He wanted me to choose to trust Him with my fears and circumstances. He is asking me to look, see, believe, and walk in trust of His provision for all my needs--emotional, mental, spiritual, physical,...

He is bigger and waiting for a CHOICE to believe.

I also had an answer to a prayer I've prayed for nearly 4yrs: that the gap between knowledge and understanding of Him would be closed, so that my brain could heal.

Abuse can have long-term affects.

*CAN*

Read that again!

On my hike, God answered that prayer for me. He made me aware of all He has before me and that I *can* grasp it if I choose, rather than wait to feel. Experiencing God's presence is not always a big emotional experience, but it is about what we choose to see, believe, and pursue in the midst of troubles. As humans, we wait on a feeling before moving; however, God waits on us to make a choice to step into the unknown and believe that He will light our next step. It doesn't always make sense, must that is faith.

Over the weekend, the Lord used different women as vessels to speak to me. Here is what I learned:

God will NOT let me miss the mark He has for me; I will get there.
He is never late.
He is madly in love with me and I matter to Him.
I don't need all the answers for today; He already has them.
Rising higher out of sorrow sometimes comes through pain.
Reading and meditating on God's Word brings freedom [John 8:36].
Fear is not from God [2 Timothy 1:7].
I must cast out all fear [1 John 4:8].
God will redeem my failures!
Anxiety focuses on an outcome we don't know, but God is sovereign and knows what's best.

God is ready to do a new thing; chains must go! Sounds so empowering...harder to do that it sounds when I looked deep within myself.

After writing out a few of my fears, as the speaker instructed, I had to rip up the paper and throw it into the trash. As I did, I wrestled with the idea of "laying it at the feet of Jesus" and what it really looks like to do that...without "picking back up the pieces".

I stood there, ripping my paper into smaller and smaller pieces, slowly dropping them into the trash. Suddenly, I said out loud "this is really hard...it's been my identity for so long".

"...it's been my identity..."

(Reread that phrase)

Can you relate? Have your fears become your identity? Have they been the dictator of your life decisions? They were mine. They have been mine for a very long time. So long that I cannot remember life before fear.

I have discussed fear with counselors and told them my fears, but they only downplayed them or tried to make another reason for my fear than what I was telling them. They were wrong. Misplaced focus misplaces healing. I had to be real with myself about my fears in order for healing to take place. No excuses. Pointing out the fear and naming it, on paper, before ripping it up and throwing it away.

Fear has been my identity.

The Bible tells stories of people who felt afraid, but in the end were brought to repentance and victory through God:

Abraham [Genesis 20:1-18]
Adam & Eve [Genesis 3:8-10]
Moses [Exodus 3:6b & 3:11]
Saul [1 Samuel 15:24; 18:12, 15, & 29; 28:5, 28:14-21]
King David [Psalm 56:3-4; 1 Samuel 21-24, and other times in his life when he was fearful of consequences for his sins and on the run from his own sons!]
Elijah, the Prophet of God [1 Kings 19]
Gideon [Judges 6:15, 6:27]
Esther [Esther 4:10 & 16; 5:1; Esther 7]
Peter [Luke 22:54-62; John 18:10-11; John 20]
Disciples of Jesus [Mark 4:40-41; Luke 24:36-37; John 20:19 & 26]

Fear is not something that just I face. Even some of the most popular Bible characters and stories dealt with fear, but God still used them. God did not let them miss their mark. God was there to walk with them through their fear. They were not alone--ever. Even when David couldn't feel God close to him [Psalm 13], he praised God and chose to trust in His faithfulness [Psalm 71].

I realized that I had to choose to release my fears by first admitting they were fears and then choose to throw them away. They very act of ripping up the paper and letting the pieces fall into the trash was a turning point for me. Yes, I have scars from my life, but God created me for more than living in fear.

Isaiah 54:10 says "Though the mountains depart and the hills be shaken, my love will not depart from you, nor will my covenant of peace be shaken, says the Lord who has compassion on you."

Monday, March 9, 2020

Breathing

Many times I find myself contemplating what to write about because I don't want to put out so many negative things nor do I wish to neglect and ignore my authentic feeling. Each day I struggle to bridge the gap between these two things. Some days I tried to stay with my feeling is, to give it a name, and I'm to replace it with something positive. This is something that I am inching along with and feels as though I move no further than to take baby steps. Baby steps frustrate me! At 34 years of age, a mother to four children, full-time student, and a part-time business owner. Shouldn't something so simple as replacing a negative with a positive be easier than juggling all these other things?!

Sometimes I think that I slow myself down in making progress. I believe that I don't have the capacity or the resources to make a change in the way that I make decisions and in the way that I think. Negative!

And this will be a great time to insert some remarkable "a-ha!" moment and inspiration...

But I've got nothing today.

I have opportunity to be in school and work part-time and go to morning program at my children's school every Friday. I CAN pick them up after school 1-2 days a week and drive them to school at least 3 days a week. So what is it then, that makes I feel so stuck?! Some days I live one breath at a time. Other days I can plan ahead and run like a maniac to accomplish tasks. Am I taking on too much or just not juggling my time well enough?!

I decided to look and see what God's Word says and evaluate my decisions to be in line with His Word. Here are some verses I found:

Colossians 3:23-24 (NIrV) says, "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ."

Psalm 127:2 says, "It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep."

Matthew 6:33 (NIrV) Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB) says "But seek first the kingdom of God[a] and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you.

These verses speak to me that God knows that I need rest. He knows that when I seek Him first, He will bring good things into my life and direct my steps. It is so hard to say 'no' to so many things I enjoy, but then I find myself void of feeling fully satisfied in the activities I participate in. It's as though I live my life as a check-list, anxiously moving from one thing to the next to complete all the self-induced demands of my altruistic personality. My mind races!

But here, God is asking me to consider what I choose to do with my time and to choose that which can be done heartily for HIM, not for the purpose of a checklist or agenda. Here, He is calling me to stop. To pause. To consider that which I can do heartily for Him rather than in "anxious toil" (Psalm 127:2) just to get it done.

Sounds simple enough: I just choose the things that bring me closer to God and serve Him by serving, or helping, others, right?!

Oh, if ONLY it were that simple. Saying no is something I really struggle with...so is a quality 'yes'. I want to improve on this so I made a list of the 5 most important things I need to say 'yes' to right now (which can change; that's why it's just for right now, in this season):

1. Daily time to read the Bible and Pray.
2. Daily time with my kids for 1 meal, homework, extra-curricular activities, etc.
3. My own college homework (for the next couple months).
4. Work: running my cleaning business or pursuing other work God has for my future.
5. Sleep!

So, when asked about additional items on my time, I need to remind myself of this list. If the additional fun or task does not fit into one of these 5 things listed above, or if it hinders me from doing any of these 5 things, then I need to say "I'm sorry, but I cannot at this time."

"AT. THIS. TIME."--key words! These key words free me from self-burden in the present and leave the option for participation in the future. But ultimately, I need to be sure I am choosing what helps me live my goals. Seasons in my life bring shifting and changing, but I have to remember that what I do should be thought through well in light of the Bible and what will bring me closer to God. To do it for Him, rather than my own checklist of success.

I can also look ahead for the goal of the next season. I know that college will not last and that my work schedule may need to shift when my kids are off from school. The main goal is to focus first on the Lord and choose a 'yes' that will help meet my goals of daily time in the Word, quality time with my children, and sleep! I can know that what is in this season may not be in the next season, which is why we can say 'no, not now', but 'maybe, or yes, later'.

So what are your top 5 'yes' things in this season? What is something you look forward to doing in your next season? Has God already put something on your mind and heart that you look forward to pursuing?

Thursday, November 7, 2019

What is love?

I am very aware of some ways broken love looks and feels. But what does it actually LOOK like?!

My counselor brought to my attention yesterday that I was once looking for proof of God's love and its very existence. I looked upon it with an attitude of "prove it!" and a strong doubt of it's evidence around me. Now, a couple months later, I find myself asking with sincerity what it actually looks like--God's love.

I am working my way through Redeeming Love a second time and I am looking for the metaphor, the relation to the love of God for His people, and the evidence of His love around me with an open heart.

Last night I was approached by the sweetest elderly woman in church who greets me at the door every Sunday morning with a hug. She always has a smile on her powder-soft face that is enveloped in carefully elevated black hair that sways upon her head as she moves. Her voice is tender, warm, and gentle with a Hispanic-sounding accent as she speaks. Her eyes are soft and welcoming, as though they are open vastly to give and receive tender love to me as I am greeted with a hug.

The sincerity of her love and care towards me is authentic, despite her limited knowledge of me and my life. I have only known her for just over 1 year, yet she greets me with such familiarity that I cannot doubt her authenticity. Her hugs are enveloping. I feel as though I could fall into her, leaving tension and worry behind. Is this what the love of Jesus feels like? Looks like? Sounds like?

When our welcoming embrace ends, a part of me is startled by sadness. A sense of longing comes over me. I want to stay, to be held, to remain in a space of safety where I am unconditionally loved and reassured of safety when the floodgates open and my face waters over. We do not. She looks into my eyes and says something kind such as "I love you. I care so much for you and I pray for you. Jesus loves you. You are a wonderful mother. God bless you." I know she means it and I try to embrace it. I truly do. I'm so thankful for her and I look forward to her faithfulness as the first face I see upon arriving at church. On my worst of mornings, she knows without my words. She hugs me, reassures me of God's love and her prayers, and I can walk away confident that is what "unconditional" looks like. She is one of the few people whose eyes validate her authentic words. There is no hollowness to her; only rich depth.

This same wonderful, Jesus-loving, God-sharing woman approached me last night at church. She hugged me, told me she loved me, and talked with me about "Calvary love". I don't recall what was said right before that phrase, but it stuck with me: "Calvary love". What does it mean? How does this speak of Jesus' love that I am searching for?

I know what love is not...

Love is not yelling at me that I need to "just do what you're told".
Love is not given only when I perform life and marriage tasks.
Love is not only keeping a clean home, but a pure heart.
Love is not demanding that another need to meet my emotional, physical, social, and mental needs. It is not my responsibility to boost others ego.
Love is not hitting someone when they talk back.
Love is not forcing someone to do things or say things they don't feel right about or that makes them feel unsafe.
Love is not one-sided.
Love is not yelling in someone's ear at midnight because you cannot sleep and see the dishes weren't done.
Love is not taking someone's car keys or hard-earned money to spend it on booze.
Love is not abandoning financial and personal responsibility to your family because you cannot be bothered with altering your own life plans.
Love is not forcing others to act or speak a certain way that makes you feel better about yourself.
Love is not spending other's hard earned money or spending your own frivolously so that others have to spend theirs on you.
Love is not expecting children to act like robots, waiting for you to say 'jump'.
Love is not "knocking some sense" into a person.
Love is not telling a person to "cut it out" or to "quit your crying or I'll give you something to really cry about".
Love is not withholding oneself until the other person does what you want them to.
Love is not acting anything other than perfect, according to each person's definition that you meet and know.
Love is not owing anyone for the things they do for us.

That is NOT love, so what IS love?

Love is the patient waiting for someone to come to you or for you to go to them.
Love is openly welcoming the person in without agenda or expectation beyond working for a resolution.
Love is kindly acting in the best interest of the other person and having it reciprocated back.
Love is celebrating in the victories of another, knowing they authentically care to celebrate in your victories too. There's no need to make something you have done seem better or bigger or worse because you realize that you both have successes and failures that you walk through together and grow.
Love is wanting another to pursue what makes them come alive and supporting them to reach their potential (not what YOU THINK is their potential or what YOU THINK they should be doing).
Love is kindly helping someone get work done together.
Love is reaching out to a neighbor or friend in need of support or community.
Love is responding kindly to children, remembering that you were once a child learning to grow up.
Love is listening openly to the concerns and needs of others.
Love is doing what you can to meet those needs.
Love is self-sacrificial without self-death.
Love is expressing positive statements to others without ulterior motives.
Love is wanting the best for others.
Love understands that some people are better at things/words/etc. than you and IT'S OK! We are all at different places, a work-in-progress, and on a journey.
Love is forgiving and willing to work through things or move on, leaving offenses behind to live in freedom.
Love is offering to watch someone's children for a couple hours when you see they are about to lose themselves.
Love is accepting imperfection of yourself and others, accepting where you are and where they are in the here and now, knowing Jesus is working in each of our lives.
Love is doing/saying things for others without expecting it to be reciprocated or returned.

Love is an open door to welcome, greet, share, but not to be abused, mistreated, and self-sacrificed to death. The line is fine, but most people know where it is.

When it comes to the love of Jesus, I am learning that His love is simple. He just gives it--no agenda or price tag. The trade-off? He wants me to give my love back. That's it. This feels tough to grasp when I have lived in conditional love for so long.

I was loved when I did my chores right away, or without being asked, and without complaint. I was
I was loved when I made and served food, with a smile, on-time.
I was loved when I performed wifely duties, as a newly-wed, after 7-8yrs of marriage.
I was loved when I agreed with the head of the household--no arguments or differing of opinions.
I was loved when I said they were right.
I was loved when I dressed pretty and looked nice.
I was loved when my children always responded with kindness, respect, love, self-control, diligence, gentleness, humility, patience, safety, caution on-demand, risk-taking on demand, tenderness, thoughtfulness, initiative, thinking of others first, helpfulness, knowledge, sharing, giving to others first, etc.
I was loved when I smiled all the time and never had tears unless they were for others.
I was loved when I responded the way other thought I should and expected me to (even when it was counter to who I really was or trying to be).
I am loved when I parent the way another person thinks I should be parenting.
I was loved when I spoke sweetly.
I was loved when I agreed.
I was loved when I gave everything of myself and my things to others to use however they wish and to do whatever they want with my things given.
I was loved when I was a straight-A student.
I was loved when I met the needs of others before myself and at my own expense.

Do you see this list and shake your head at the unrealistic expectation others put on me and I on myself? Can you relate? Have you things to add to the list?

It amazes me how much others expect us to live according to their expectation when they do not have our best interest in mind, but only want us to adjust ourselves to fit them so they do not need to change. It is even more difficult when dealing with someone who thinks they are NOT the problem or have a responsibility in the situation. It's frustrating to love them because they are never satisfied, content, grateful for your love, or understanding of their hindrance of it.

I know what love is not. So what is love? Jesus is love, but what does it actually look like and what does it feel like? What does it look like towards me and how would I reflect it to others?

1 John 4:18 says "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love" (NIV).

When I was a child and then early in my parenting years, I was told that one day I would know what it was like for my parents when I had kids and that I would thank them one day. I was spoken to as though having my own children would make me realize I was terrible to my own parents and ask their forgiveness, telling them how right they were.

Parenting my own children has made me realize how hard parenting was for my own parents and how hard it is for other parents, but not in the way many people expected. I appreciate parental struggles, but having my own children has shown me how hard I make it on God to parent me.

As I try to parent and love my own children, I realize that I cannot love them as they need without letting God love me. I cannot love my children the way I want to until I let God love me the way He wants to. I cannot show His love to my children until I first let him show me His own. I cannot love my children without understanding the love of Jesus for me--Calvary love.

What is Calvary love that this woman from church speaks of?

Kim Lawton, reporting for PBS Religion & Ethics Newsweekly, reports " 'According to the New Testament, Jesus was crucified at a spot outside Jerusalem called Golgotha, which in Aramaic means “place of the skull.' The Latin word for skull is calvaria, and in English many Christians refer to the site of the crucifixion as Calvary" (Lawton, 2012).

The word calvary is familiar to me. As a child, I would sing along to the song At Calvary:

Mercy there was great

And grace was free

Pardon there was multiplied to me

There my Burdened soul found liberty

At Calvary

Calvary's Love church in Johnson City, NY says, "...when you experience the love of Christ then your whole life is changed and it’s through that love that you begin to discover who you are and what you were created for. It’s also through that love that you are able to live in real, authentic relationship with others" (www.calvaryslove.org).

When the sweet woman from church said "Calvary Love" to me. I knew she meant the love that Calvary represented through the blood and sacrifice of Jesus on the cross.

John 3:16 says, "for God so loved the world that He gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him, will not perish, but have everlasting life."

I feel broken some days and unable of real love, but then I am determined with most things in my life and won't give up, so I search for what real love is.

This morning I read Jeremiah 31:3-4 that says, "The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. I will build you up again, and you, Virgin Israel, will be rebuilt. Again you will take up your timbrels and go out to dance with the joyful."

Jeremiah 31 talks about returning to God and the restoration they will receive after doing so. God will pour out his blessings upon them and they will thrive. Despite their waywardness, brokenness, sinfulness, impurities, and past pains, God WANTS them. He wants them?! Yes, He does. As I write this, I feel as though I am in shock myself. I have held onto pieces of myself too burdensome for God (so I thought). I have not been fully convinced that I am worth loving and able to be made into anything new after being so distorted. Yet, I read in Jeremiah and other places in the Bible that God takes the broken and uses them, redeems them, and restores them:

Tamar -- slept with her father-in-law (Genesis 38:1-30) and was chosen by God to be in the lineage of Jesus. "Tamar is an example of courageously embracing her responsibilities, one that became a cause for blessing (Ruth 4:12) and ensured the familial line of Christ himself (Matt. 1:3)" (Huber, 2018).
Sarah-- Doubted God.
Rahab – Was a prostitute and the mother of Boaz, in the lineage of Jesus (Joshua 2:1, 3; 6:17-25; Matthew 1:5; Hebrews 11:31; James 2:25).
Bathsheba -- King David's second marriage and the mother of King Solomon.
Samaritan Woman – Divorced.
Naomi – Was a widow in a foreign country.
Martha – Worried about everything.

If God can use these sinful, broken women, despite their life story, can't He restore and redeem mine?! Or am I broken forever because of a broken marriage and an abusive situation?
Once a woman, innocently enough, made me feel like my only hope for life after divorce is to
1. see the return of a repentant husband and our marriage restored, or
2. to live my life single as I serve God in my singleness.

These were harsh words to hear at the time and felt like the door being closed on the hope of redemption.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”—Romans 8:28

My story and your story of broken, conditional love does not have to be our identity and ending. It does not have to steal our hope and joy. In my search for what love truly is, God is showing me. As I write this, I am not speaking as someone confident and without struggle. I am writing to get it out and make sense of my own thoughts, searches, and longings. I want to know what God's love really is because I had a skewed view of it for a very long time. I associated and connected God's love with people who had hurt me. I understood God's love to be something that someone else was and not who He is. I have not "arrived" at this understanding, but I am walking on the road to get there.

Will you join me? Will you walk with me in openness of what could lay ahead and to find what truly is?

References

Huber, C. (2018). The ‘Bad Girls’ of the Bible Deserve a Fresh Look. Retrieved from https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2018/march-web-only/vindicating-vixens-sandra-glahn.html

Lawton, K. (2012). Where was Jesus buried?. In Religion & Ethics Newsweekly. Retrieved from https://www.pbs.org/wnet/religionandethics/2012/03/30/march-30-2012-where-was-jesus-buried/10645/

Newell, W.R. (1895). At Calvary. Retrieved from https://library.timelesstruths.org/music/At_Calvary/

Blank mind, running thoughts

Blank.
Blank is my mind.
Blank is my mind when all I want to do is write, think, talk.
My mind is blank.
Overwhelmed to the point of blank.
I am distracted easily when I cannot put into words my thoughts fast enough. They get jumbled.
My words don't run smoothly when I free write. My jumbled up mess of ideas cannot seem to make it onto paper without the need for editing. I don't, but I am keenly aware of every typo and sentence that doesn't flow with grace in thought.

I finished listening to the audio book of Redeeming Love by Francis Chan. I felt as though I could identify with each of the main characters in different ways. I have been a part of each one at different times in my life. I am going to listen to it again. I just feel a pulling in to the story. A pulling in to listen to it again, to understand deeper, to be touched and moved. I cried over hitting my head, but I cannot cry over the breaking of spirit in God's children. What's wrong with me?! Perhaps this is where I can identify with Angel, the main character in Redeeming Love. She cannot cry.

I was once asked "what evidence of God's work would someone see in me if they were to really look inside?"

A blank, broken mess of puzzle pieces trying to put themselves back together, stronger than before and refusing to be destroyed.