Post-mental abuse effects no one told me

What is living in mental and emotional abuse really like? It's kind of like this:

• He will always define the terms.
• You will live by a set of double standards.
• You will not be listened to.
• He will never resolve a conflict.
• He will rarely consider your feelings; and will only do so if it serves him some how.
• He will never apologize.
• What will matter most to him is how he appears to others.
• There will be little to no mutuality, collaboration or cooperation.
• Your expectations will be managed down to mere crumbs; to the point where you will be happy just because he isn’t giving you the silent treatment, yelling at you, or cheating on you.
• You will never win.
• Your value will be diminished to the point of nothingness in his eyes. In fact, mere strangers will hold more weight in his eyes than you will.
• He will tend to make you his scapegoat.
• He will dump his shame and rage on to you.
• Simple conversations will become crazy-making endeavors.
• You will find yourself walking on eggshells.
• You will lose yourself because you will be trained to focus only on his feelings and reactions; never mind yours.
• You will experience the silent treatment.
• You will experience cognitive dissonance, confabulation, and gas lighting.
• You will find yourself telling a grown adult how to have normal interactions with others.
• Your relationship will revolve on a cycle: waiting – hoping – hurting – being angry – forgiving – forgetting – again.
• He will blame you for all of the problems in the relationship.
• You will blame yourself.
• He will use your weaknesses against you.
• You will experience many exits, followed by a reappearance of the abuser acting as if nothing unusual had ever happened.
• He will act like Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde.
• When you try to hold him accountable he will fly into a rage.
• He will not answer questions directly.
• He will project his bad behaviors onto you and you will project your good intentions onto him – neither is accurate.
• No one else will see it. This will cause you to question your reality.
• The entire experience will result in trauma for you because it is interpersonal violence.
• You will begin to feel crazy; then, over time, you will begin to feel numb.
• If you go to couples counseling it will not work, and will most
• likely backfire on the victim

This is me 100%. I still struggle, foggy brain all the time, stressed out raising 4 kids alone now after nearly 10yrs of marriage, struggle to keep a job, or grow a business, can barely think past the next 5 minutes, unable to step outside myself in my present circumstances, unable to find motivation to step outside my circumstances and see and do better for myself, snap a lot at my kids, no time for a walk down the road or any kind of exercise, cannot trade off childcare with someone else to help give me some time to do something positive for myself because I'm too busy working and taking care of my kids, plus they are now doing school remotely and my once A+ students are struggling for B's, I have many pictures and no memory of the event(s) as I look at the pictures, I cannot listen to what my child is saying while also sending out a reminder to a client, I cannot make dinner and break up fights at home between kids while smiling and getting them something other than cereal to eat again.

No one tells you these things will be life and the struggle after abuse. No one tells you that your brain will relive negative experiences with your ex more than the positive memories from life. No one told me my brain would feel broken and disconnected, like a circuit short somewhere along the line.

No one told me that family wouldn't really be there, but only in emergencies, while other look on and assume you will be surrounded by your family because they live on the same block or in the same home. No one tells you that the road to recovery is longer for others and that it's ok to fall apart at the seems, but that putting on a show of strength is unnecessary. No one tells you that help with find its way to you eventually, here and there, in unexpected ways.

But here I am...still trying...still fake smiling...still working through the brain fog...still trying to be what I want myself to be for the sake of my kids and even though I fail MISERABLY every day. Here I am. I was able to leave and stand up to an abuser. I did. I will. I am.