Post-mental abuse effects no one told me

What is living in mental and emotional abuse really like? It's kind of like this:

• He will always define the terms.
• You will live by a set of double standards.
• You will not be listened to.
• He will never resolve a conflict.
• He will rarely consider your feelings; and will only do so if it serves him some how.
• He will never apologize.
• What will matter most to him is how he appears to others.
• There will be little to no mutuality, collaboration or cooperation.
• Your expectations will be managed down to mere crumbs; to the point where you will be happy just because he isn’t giving you the silent treatment, yelling at you, or cheating on you.
• You will never win.
• Your value will be diminished to the point of nothingness in his eyes. In fact, mere strangers will hold more weight in his eyes than you will.
• He will tend to make you his scapegoat.
• He will dump his shame and rage on to you.
• Simple conversations will become crazy-making endeavors.
• You will find yourself walking on eggshells.
• You will lose yourself because you will be trained to focus only on his feelings and reactions; never mind yours.
• You will experience the silent treatment.
• You will experience cognitive dissonance, confabulation, and gas lighting.
• You will find yourself telling a grown adult how to have normal interactions with others.
• Your relationship will revolve on a cycle: waiting – hoping – hurting – being angry – forgiving – forgetting – again.
• He will blame you for all of the problems in the relationship.
• You will blame yourself.
• He will use your weaknesses against you.
• You will experience many exits, followed by a reappearance of the abuser acting as if nothing unusual had ever happened.
• He will act like Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde.
• When you try to hold him accountable he will fly into a rage.
• He will not answer questions directly.
• He will project his bad behaviors onto you and you will project your good intentions onto him – neither is accurate.
• No one else will see it. This will cause you to question your reality.
• The entire experience will result in trauma for you because it is interpersonal violence.
• You will begin to feel crazy; then, over time, you will begin to feel numb.
• If you go to couples counseling it will not work, and will most
• likely backfire on the victim

This is me 100%. I still struggle, foggy brain all the time, stressed out raising 4 kids alone now after nearly 10yrs of marriage, struggle to keep a job, or grow a business, can barely think past the next 5 minutes, unable to step outside myself in my present circumstances, unable to find motivation to step outside my circumstances and see and do better for myself, snap a lot at my kids, no time for a walk down the road or any kind of exercise, cannot trade off childcare with someone else to help give me some time to do something positive for myself because I'm too busy working and taking care of my kids, plus they are now doing school remotely and my once A+ students are struggling for B's, I have many pictures and no memory of the event(s) as I look at the pictures, I cannot listen to what my child is saying while also sending out a reminder to a client, I cannot make dinner and break up fights at home between kids while smiling and getting them something other than cereal to eat again.

No one tells you these things will be life and the struggle after abuse. No one tells you that your brain will relive negative experiences with your ex more than the positive memories from life. No one told me my brain would feel broken and disconnected, like a circuit short somewhere along the line.

No one told me that family wouldn't really be there, but only in emergencies, while other look on and assume you will be surrounded by your family because they live on the same block or in the same home. No one tells you that the road to recovery is longer for others and that it's ok to fall apart at the seems, but that putting on a show of strength is unnecessary. No one tells you that help with find its way to you eventually, here and there, in unexpected ways.

But here I am...still trying...still fake smiling...still working through the brain fog...still trying to be what I want myself to be for the sake of my kids and even though I fail MISERABLY every day. Here I am. I was able to leave and stand up to an abuser. I did. I will. I am.

It's a good thing I did that!

I want to tell you about what God is doing in me and I hope that someone who reads this finds hope and encouragement in my sharing.

God is doing a good thing.

For a long time now I have hoped in the storm, searched in the fog, prayed in the deep desperation. I held on like a mustard seed of faith as I watched the storms waves roll around me in my life. Struggles with anxiety, depression, hopelessness, disappointment, and fear.

I would pray in desperation for change. I would pray in desperation for courage and for change; to be someone different than I am.

I often find myself talking about my abuse experiences from the place of victim, hopeless, weak, and vulnerable. This is not what I believe God wants for me or what I wish for myself, but it is the mentality I find myself falling into. 

Why?

One reason I believe this occurs is because for most of my life I have had to explain and over-justify my words, actions, beliefs, and choices. From simple conversation about grocery shopping to in-depth discussions about my unhealthy marriage. I have had to explain and convince others of my perspective and experience in an effort to solicit support or understanding. I have been questioned and criticized for so many decisions and choices in my life that explaining myself away is second-nature. Little did I know how unhealthy this way of thinking is for my life.

So I took time away...

I went away for my birthday with hope and expectation of an "encounter" with God. I went up the mountain; a get-a-way. I prayed "God, you must have better things planned for me than to stay stuck in survival mode. Please open my heart and eyes to help and receive our provision."

Well, the Lord answered that prayer, but not as I had expected.

I went where the colors of fall were in full bloom and the sounds of nature muffled out the sounds of our culture. 

I went seeking and expecting something drastic from the Lord. I went expecting God to knock me deep. But what I found was something different.

I was encouraged to ponder ways God had moved in my life over the recent and beyond years. When there was free time between retreat sessions, I came up with the following list:

• God brought helpers to pack us and leave from Oklahoma, as well as loving friends along the way to house and feed us.
• Growing friendships in unexpected places--church, a coffee shop, and my work
• God gave me complete protection away from my ex so that I could focus on healing for myself and my children without fear of abuse (I had an order of protection that ended up being written into my final divorce paperwork).
• I was able to be home for the first 10yrs of raising children.
• I was home when schools closed and there to support my children in the transition to online learning.
• My children do not need to ride the bus this year because my work schedule can accommodate driving them and I have my aunt to pick them up afterschool. {This means not riding the bus to be bullied, hearing inappropriate speech, and less spreading of germs in our household.}
• Our neighbor gives us free organic eggs and allows us to have drinking water from her well.
• My aunt babysits my children and has experience with PTSD so she understands how to handle my children when things flare up.
• My church helped me replace my minivan after someone hit and totaled it last November
• I have access to worship music I listen to while cleaning homes.
• My kids sleep well at night so I can clean and worship without fear of waking them.
• I have SOLE CUSTODY of my children and their dad has not tried to see them in 2yrs. AMEN!!
• My cleaning business has increased and has new clients so much that I'm praying for a 3rd cleaner to subcontract.
• My clients are flexible and understanding!!
• We have our own living space now and are finally able to sort and purge! (this is also a current prayer for us to release attachment to "stuff")

I could go on, but as you can see, a few minutes of looking at my life in the last few years produced a long list. Imagine if I had spent more than 3 minutes on this?! If we look, we will see! If we seek, we WILL find [Matthew 7:7]. 

If you spend 3 minutes thinking about what God has done for you in the last year, what do you come up with? What things did you not realize until now was God moving in your life?

I was in awe of my list after only a few minutes thinking about God's goodness in my life. I had to pause when I realized the little and big ways God has showed His love to me in the last few years.

In my journal I wrote this prayer:

Dear Jesus, I replay and replay and replay events over and over in my min and to others. I am tired of it. I want to be good at something, to succeed, to use my story to help others to leave or make different choices. 

The whole weekend away was a ladies retreat titled "Faith not Fear". Fear has been my struggle for so, so long. 

• fear of disappointing my parents (and getting into trouble; or hearing the dreaded words "I told you")
• fear of bad grades
• fear of sin and separation from God
• fear of being off the path God wants me to be on
• fear of what others thought of me
• fear of not being accepted
• fear of being alone
• fear of failing at __________
• fear of further abuse
• fear of not having food
• fear of not providing basic needs for my children
• fear of raising terrible-hearted children
• fear of being alone
• fear of getting behind on bills
• fear of disappointing Jesus, family, children, friends, etc.

Fear!

Well, this whole weekend was on fear. Ugh! 

I walked into it with a different expectation than I got out of it.

I took myself on a hike in solitude, through the woods that were covered in leaves of every shade for autumn. It was breath-taking! I realized some big things on that hike: I wait on a feeling; God wants a choice.

Let me say it again: I wait on a feeling; God wants a choice.

Perhaps it's human nature to seek God and ride the "high" of His presence... until life hits us off our board like an ice cold wave pounding against the pier. But I realized that God doesn't just move in the moment. He wants a choice from me. He wanted me to choose to trust Him with my fears and circumstances. He is asking me to look, see, believe, and walk in trust of His provision for all my needs--emotional, mental, spiritual, physical,...

He is bigger and waiting for a CHOICE to believe.

I also had an answer to a prayer I've prayed for nearly 4yrs: that the gap between knowledge and understanding of Him would be closed, so that my brain could heal. 

Abuse can have long-term affects. 

*CAN*

Read that again!

On my hike, God answered that prayer for me. He made me aware of all He has before me and that I *can* grasp it if I choose, rather than wait to feel. Experiencing God's presence is not always a big emotional experience, but it is about what we choose to see, believe, and pursue in the midst of troubles. As humans, we wait on a feeling before moving; however, God waits on us to make a choice to step into the unknown and believe that He will light our next step. It doesn't always make sense, must that is faith.

Over the weekend, the Lord used different women as vessels to speak to me. Here is what I learned:

• God will NOT let me miss the mark He has for me; I will get there.
• He is never late.
• He is madly in love with me and I matter to Him.
• I don't need all the answers for today; He already has them.
• Rising higher out of sorrow sometimes comes through pain.
• Reading and meditating on God's Word brings freedom [John 8:36].
• Fear is not from God [2 Timothy 1:7].
• I must cast out all fear [1 John 4:8].
• God will redeem my failures!
• Anxiety focuses on an outcome we don't know, but God is sovereign and knows what's best.

God is ready to do a new thing; chains must go! Sounds so empowering...harder to do that it sounds when I looked deep within myself.

After writing out a few of my fears, as the speaker instructed, I had to rip up the paper and throw it into the trash. As I did, I wrestled with the idea of "laying it at the feet of Jesus" and what it really looks like to do that...without "picking back up the pieces". 

I stood there, ripping my paper into smaller and smaller pieces, slowly dropping them into the trash. Suddenly, I said out loud "this is really hard...it's been my identity for so long".

"...it's been my identity..."

(Reread that phrase)

Can you relate? Have your fears become your identity? Have they been the dictator of your life decisions? They were mine. They have been mine for a very long time. So long that I cannot remember life before fear.

I have discussed fear with counselors and told them my fears, but they only downplayed them or tried to make another reason for my fear than what I was telling them. They were wrong. Misplaced focus misplaces healing. I had to be real with myself about my fears in order for healing to take place. No excuses. Pointing out the fear and naming it, on paper, before ripping it up and throwing it away.

Fear has been my identity.

The Bible tells stories of people who felt afraid, but in the end were brought to repentance and victory through God:

• Abraham [Genesis 20:1-18]
• Adam & Eve [Genesis 3:8-10]
• Moses [Exodus 3:6b & 3:11]
• Saul [1 Samuel 15:24; 18:12, 15, & 29; 28:5, 28:14-21]
• King David [Psalm 56:3-4; 1 Samuel 21-24, and other times in his life when he was fearful of consequences for his sins and on the run from his own sons!]
• Elijah, the Prophet of God [1 Kings 19]
• Gideon [Judges 6:15, 6:27]
• Esther [Esther 4:10 & 16; 5:1; Esther 7]
• Peter [Luke 22:54-62; John 18:10-11; John 20]
• Disciples of Jesus [Mark 4:40-41; Luke 24:36-37; John 20:19 & 26]

Fear is not something that just I face. Even some of the most popular Bible characters and stories dealt with fear, but God still used them. God did not let them miss their mark. God was there to walk with them through their fear. They were not alone--ever. Even when David couldn't feel God close to him [Psalm 13], he praised God and chose to trust in His faithfulness [Psalm 71].

I realized that I had to choose to release my fears by first admitting they were fears and then choose to throw them away. They very act of ripping up the paper and letting the pieces fall into the trash was a turning point for me. Yes, I have scars from my life, but God created me for more than living in fear.

Isaiah 54:10 says "Though the mountains depart and the hills be shaken, my love will not depart from you, nor will my covenant of peace be shaken, says the Lord who has compassion on you."

Also read 1 Peter 1:3 & Isaiah 54:4.

God showed me that when I release my fear to Him, I have room for Him to plant good things--the good things I have wanted all along, but never had room for. Good things you can have too!

When those pieces of fears fell into the trash and I admitted the identity they held over me, Jesus was able to break those from my heart and mind. I burst into tears as women gathered around me in prayer and speaking words over me that my identity is NOT in fear, but in Jesus.

I walked away feeling free. Light. Open. 

Fear no longer held its grip on me.

So I will choose to worship in times of trouble and remember that I will NOT miss the mark God has for me. I am where He wants me right now and always will be as long as I seek Him first and obey His voice. 

I encourage you to keep seeking the Lord. If you need healing, keep asking God and keep seeking Him in worship. He loves you deeply and has good things for you if you keep Him first. 

Praise Him in the storm. 

Receive His blessings for you. 

Believe in a Victory over your fears.

Trust in His will for you; you will not miss the mark when you seek Him first.

I'm praying for you, dear sister. You're Gonna be OK!

Breathing

Many times I find myself contemplating what to write about because I don't want to put out so many negative things nor do I wish to neglect and ignore my authentic feeling. Each day I struggle to bridge the gap between these two things. Some days I tried to stay with my feeling is, to give it a name, and I'm to replace it with something positive. This is something that I am inching along with and feels as though I move no further than to take baby steps. Baby steps frustrate me! At 34 years of age, a mother to four children, full-time student, and a part-time business owner. Shouldn't something so simple as replacing a negative with a positive be easier than juggling all these other things?!

Sometimes I think that I slow myself down in making progress. I believe that I don't have the capacity or the resources to make a change in the way that I make decisions and in the way that I think. Negative!

And this will be a great time to insert some remarkable "a-ha!" moment and inspiration...

But I've got nothing today. 

I have opportunity to be in school and work part-time and go to morning program at my children's school every Friday. I CAN pick them up after school 1-2 days a week and drive them to school at least 3 days a week. So what is it then, that makes I feel so stuck?! Some days I live one breath at a time. Other days I can plan ahead and run like a maniac to accomplish tasks. Am I taking on too much or just not juggling my time well enough?!

I decided to look and see what God's Word says and evaluate my decisions to be in line with His Word. Here are some verses I found:

Colossians 3:23-24 (NIrV) says, "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ."

Psalm 127:2 says, "It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep."

Matthew 6:33 (NIrV) Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB) says "But seek first the kingdom of God[a] and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you.

These verses speak to me that God knows that I need rest. He knows that when I seek Him first, He will bring good things into my life and direct my steps. It is so hard to say 'no' to so many things I enjoy, but then I find myself void of feeling fully satisfied in the activities I participate in. It's as though I live my life as a check-list, anxiously moving from one thing to the next to complete all the self-induced demands of my altruistic personality. My mind races! 

But here, God is asking me to consider what I choose to do with my time and to choose that which can be done heartily for HIM, not for the purpose of a checklist or agenda. Here, He is calling me to stop. To pause. To consider that which I can do heartily for Him rather than in "anxious toil" (Psalm 127:2) just to get it done.

Sounds simple enough: I just choose the things that bring me closer to God and serve Him by serving, or helping, others, right?!

Oh, if ONLY it were that simple. Saying no is something I really struggle with...so is a quality 'yes'. I want to improve on this so I made a list of the 5 most important things I need to say 'yes' to right now (which can change; that's why it's just for right now, in this season):

1. Daily time to read the Bible and Pray.
2. Daily time with my kids for 1 meal, homework, extra-curricular activities, etc.
3. My own college homework (for the next couple months).
4. Work: running my cleaning business or pursuing other work God has for my future.
5. Sleep!

So, when asked about additional items on my time, I need to remind myself of this list. If the additional fun or task does not fit into one of these 5 things listed above, or if it hinders me from doing any of these 5 things, then I need to say "I'm sorry, but I cannot at this time." 

"AT. THIS. TIME."--key words! These key words free me from self-burden in the present and leave the option for participation in the future. But ultimately, I need to be sure I am choosing what helps me live my goals. Seasons in my life bring shifting and changing, but I have to remember that what I do should be thought through well in light of the Bible and what will bring me closer to God. To do it for Him, rather than my own checklist of success. 

I can also look ahead for the goal of the next season. I know that college will not last and that my work schedule may need to shift when my kids are off from school. The main goal is to focus first on the Lord and choose a 'yes' that will help meet my goals of daily time in the Word, quality time with my children, and sleep! I can know that what is in this season may not be in the next season, which is why we can say 'no, not now', but 'maybe, or yes, later'.

So what are your top 5 'yes' things in this season? What is something you look forward to doing in your next season? Has God already put something on your mind and heart that you look forward to pursuing?